so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
