Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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