Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
