Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize