I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
