capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
