At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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