Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
