I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
