He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
