I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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