so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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