He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
