He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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