I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
