i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
