I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
