I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
