As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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