if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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