I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
