he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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