im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
