it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
