Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
