The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
