Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
