So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
