Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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