I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
