that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
