omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
