I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize