You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
