HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize