I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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