Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
