My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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