did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize