so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
