Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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