You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
