just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
