see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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