I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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