i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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