I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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