dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i will never coherently bang her
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
