my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
