Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
