Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
