Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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