On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
