Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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