I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
