my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
