when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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