All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
