I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
