I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize