The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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