fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
